Most of you should be familiar with the insurance concept of yearly or lifetime maximums on medical expenses. I've used up most, if not all, of my yearly patience budget for dealing with doctors and those who work with them. This has been an insane year especially over the summer with three hospitalizations. They didn't seem to want to let me go the third time.
This was a big withdrawal from the old patience bank. I crowded testing and appointments into the end of September and the beginning of October for a reason. It wasn't easy but it was doable. Now, a doctor wants to schedule a retest and a follow-up appointment jammed into the same time period. The patience bank is just about empty. I intend to complete the test and get the appointment done if it fits into my schedule. If not, my plans come first. Seeing me afterward was the doctor's first choice anyway.
Earlier, I was thinking in terms of my lifetime cap on patience used up but my 50s are lurking out there. If I'm lucky, I'm going to keep getting older and that means making my peace with hos There are a few things that I like about the hospital. I love the food and the people who work in the guts of the place. I'm talking about the people who clean the rooms and prepare the food. I get very frustrated by them after a few days but the people who clean the patients (like me) and fetch things for us while we're restricted to bed and pissed off about it are pretty great, too. Every once in a while, one of the nurses comes up with an idea that is pure genius The surprise sunshine often comes from the transport people who move patients from place to place. They either love their jobs or fake it better than anyone. I'll never forget this pair that sang Philly soul duets while they moved moved me from one floor to another.
I'm getting a chance to recharge my batteries soon. It's ironic because I was just thinking about my early 20s. Those were some good times and some terrible times. Honestly, I spent a lot of my early 20s trying to avoid being homeless. I succeeded and I managed to win all the other wars that I had to fight at the time but I didn't know that in the moment. It's tempting to look back on it fondly and I did have a good time but there's something I'd have to admit. If I got my wish back then, it would have been for the chance to spend some time in this era. I have a better TV, a much better computer and tremendous air conditioning. I had a lot of the same medical problems and little or no health insurance.
I just know that I remember more about my 20a than I do my 30s. Other than a few specific details from the first day or so after the amputation, I remember my 40s awfully well. It hasn't all been loss and grief though it could be easy to see it that way by the numbers. A lot of people and cats have died but we have learned to spend more quality time with people. I got to have lunch recently with some family that I hardly ever see due to my attempt to live a life of peace.
There was never any conflict with them. The amputation and the pandemic combined with my general habits to make me even more of a hermit. I remember lying in a hospital bed deciding that I am way too difficult to be around so I should avoid any situation where conflict seems likely. That means no contact with certain members of my family. They won't miss me. They haven't missed me for more than a decade and I appreciate the increased peace in my life. I spent a lot of time worrying about whether or not I was going to have some random conflict with my father before this peaceful time started. He wasn't the only one but he was the most obvious one. Everyone knows that we butt heads but they like to chuckle at the thought of me butting back.
I'm not a fool. He has the ability to bully me face to face so I avoid him. I'm a better strategist than I am a tactician these days. A battle avoided is as good as a battle won for me these days. Despite my own health worries, I have almost 30 years on him so I expect to outlive him. It's a cold way of thinking but I can be cold when I need to be. When his time comes, I expect to grieve but I will be safer for it though he is in his late 70s now and I'm nearly 50. One would hope that we would be beyond the threat of someone losing his temper and getting physical.
As you can see, there are reasons why it would be smart for me to avoid him even if he's on his best behavior. I'm still a little triggered from the ribbing I got. Nerd rage is a gaming conceit for a reason, folks. We keep it well hidden in our pocket protectors and thick glasses but then we snap on poor, unsuspecting pencils!
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